Being human means being burdened by conscious; aware that life is limited. In some finite amount of time, everything we’ve ever done or known will crumble to dust. Our memories will be lost to the nothingness that is the unwavering, uncaring, unbelievable universe. The gaping yaw of the abyss terrifies me. And it that’s too metaphorical for you, then I also don’t want to think about the bills I have to pay, the girl I’m supposed to text back, the taxes I have to do, that Monday will bring 5 more days of unfulfilling work, or that I’ve been putting off the dishes in my sink for an unthinkable 4 days but it would take a literal fire before I get off my ass from watching the Rick and Morty S3 premier for the umpteenth time.

And so, the greatest and most terrible advancement of evolution that is a consciousness that must be continually blunted to keep going on. You know there are alcoholic monkeys? Did you know that dolphins pass poisonous blowfish around, using the mild toxins to get high? We’ve been smoking, blowing, brewing, eating, or injecting every substance we could possibly find to dull this aching pain we call existence, if for only a moment to shed our mortal coats and reach euphoria. We know we come down. We know it still ends. We seek a high to see refuge, if only for a moment, if only in passing, heightened by the self destructiveness and its fleeting nature.

There is this great exhibit at the MoMa from Van Gogh that is just 16 of the fanciest absinthe spoons and glasses. Each unique and carefully crafted. Absinthe, or woodworm, is a drink that may or may not cause hallucinations and but definitely gets you crunk. Modern versions are supposed to be “not the same”, and it’s still illegal in some places. However, recent studies say it’s possible that the impurities of older absinthe were actually poisoning the drinkers, and causing destructive side-effects that we associate with it. Which is to say, the more harmful, the more revered.  For even Gogh crafted enough intricate pieces to fill an entire room speaks to how ultimately, all consciousness at seeks release.

But I’m not criticizing. I understand and have done more than my fair share of experimenting. And I’ve no doubt my experiences would be vastly different if it weren’t for my college environment, specifically my teammates who were catalysts to my drug use.

Besides definitely abusing and misusing alcohol and weed, sometimes consistently, I’ve forayed at different levels with prescription and party drugs. Once, accidently. Pretty much I’m the rad-est. You should all be v jealous.

Now, I’ve taken risks that aren’t for everyone, and could absolutely have had much more severe consequences, and there still could be more repercussions down the line. I try to take precautions; never taking more than I could handle, being aware of the situation, having friends around, and avoiding anything that made me feel too uncomfortable or dangerous. However, I’m not infallible, it wasn’t riskless. But I did like it. It’s sort of designed that way.

But I also have other means of escape, most are much more healthy, and some less so.

Screen time has recently grown into a huge share of escapism. This news article discusses the possibility of causation between the decrease of teenage drug and alcohol use, and instead finding replacements in screen time. The light-up bricks in our pockets are a tiny window to the endless internet, perfect shots of dopamine, administered through the fingers and eyeballs. And they come with their own Pavlovian buzz. I mean tell me you don’t get the tiniest thrill every time you get a red notification flag. Anyone ever stack them up and then read them all at once? It’s like edging in the least extreme. Yet still somehow satisfying. And don’t even think about taking a shit without a phone. What is this, 1998?

As much as I love the thrill of an instagram like, this is my least favorite method of escape, even as it increasingly seems to take over all of my life. *cough*watchingYouTubevideosuntil2AMonaweeknight*cough*

My most consistent, habitual, and vital escape is working out. I’m physically and mentally dependant; going longer than two weeks without exercising depresses my mood, causes my body to ache and protest, messes with my appetite and focus. Without dedication to the structure of working out regularly, my life falls apart. I believe that physical activity is for everyone. Humans were not meant to be stagnant; we’re evolutionally designed to be work horses, with bipedal legs, hairless skin, and covered with sweat glands. New research has backed up that up; marathon and ultra-marathoners are among the healthiest people. But you don’t have to be extreme. I think it’s important for everyone to find a sustainable habit for themselves, from walking to playing in a rec league to lifting to tough mudders. I’m personally a big fan of yoga.

As for mental health meditation is a great way to relax your mind and clear it of the obstructive thoughts. I’ve been practicing yoga on and off for 3 years now and only just started to experiment with meditation. I immediately enjoyed it, focusing directly on my breathing and my body has given my mind space to expand and relax. I highly suggest that if you haven’t tried it, you should.

And for me personally, the hour or two devoted to physical exertion gives me a chance to clear my mind. This of course, in conjunction with whatever mental health routines/medications/solutions are best for your situation.

Finally, vacation is a great way to get away from it all. I never feel as unwound as in another country, dropping pretenses to care about schedule or timing, and focusing on the things that I like the most. Food, drink, scenery, art, myself.

Essentially, sometimes I feel like I’m thinking too hard. That the hurricane of noises in my brain refuse to calm, hurrying in ceaseless circles. The responsibilities of today, the plans for the future, and the lug of yesterday’s mistakes all drop [if temporarily] with one more refresh of Reddit or taking the night off my extracurriculars, again, for a show on the West Side. Working out does the same, creating space for me to focus on my body in action. Mediation is the practice of actively clearing your mind. Drugs blunt the beast. Vacation physically and mentally removes me, replacing work with adventure.

I think we all want to be free sometimes. It’s hard to be a person. I think we have to forgive each other for the failures that are bound to happen along the way. I think we ought to be kind, and make it easy for every person we meet. I think we ought to love the escape, love the distraction.

What I’m trying to do is spend more time on the healthy escapes, and less on the easy ones. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not great at it yet. I often fall back on the easy things, enjoying the ability to coast and waste time. I don’t always want to put in the effort to go to the gym, or focus on meditation. It’s way easier to take a couple hits to the face, down a couple beers, and stew in my own insobriety to the tune of Community reruns. But that’s okay too. There has to be forgiveness, balance. But afterwards, I have to hop back on the horse, take the steps I tell myself I want to take. Put in the effort to enjoy the longer-term rewards.