I was asking myself this question a few weeks back. My posts had become a little less regular. I randomly picked up poetry? On the book/story front, I was stuck not plotting and writing vague tidbits of chapters, while barely noting any of the ideas I had. There was a general diminishing of purpose and concentration on everything.

On the other side, I did maintain some consistency on the volunteering and work out posts, giving me semblance of continued commitment.

But I was terrible at editing; friends would catch mistakes months after posting, to my eternal chagrin. And I was stalling/stuck/producing garbage on a lot of pieces that were becoming backed up.

Some were pushed forward anyway as practice for publishing more. A couple were dropped at the way side, halfway started. Most laid dormant, or barely outlined; a few sentences and a couple ideas scribbled on the side, tossed to the corner on whims of distraction.

Lots of journaling and scratch work too. Some of the most fun scraps of rhyme or lines could be refurbished into coherent poetry. That was a cool process. As I stuck with an idea over a few days, occasionally lines would come together that could start a poem.

Time might have been my slimmest resource, and excessively, unhelpfully poured into procrastination.

 The trajectory was down and the outlook grim.

However, I’m trying to look at the positives. I’ve written a lot. Way more than ever before. Pages of the scribbles, in every conceivable medium; phone notes, work, surface, desktop, notebook(s), index cards, post-its, whiteboards, texts. It’s filling my life. My vocabulary is stronger, as are my sentences. Grammar still eludes me, but even editing has become at least, useful. I’ve put out a handful of pieces I’m pretty proud of.

And I still love the story: the siblings, villains, magic, and society all fascinate me. I want them to grow and fractal. This will really require me doing a little bit of plot planning, once on a scrap notebook and then once into index cars. I would like to spend some solid committed time on storyboarding. That will be my next step. In the meanwhile, I think crafting little chapters and interactions may not be the most efficient way to craft a story, but strong editing can lead to a more coherent and fleshed out project.

Poetry is a newly fascinating art. The words can be used so elegantly. Hip hop has done some beautiful things with rhyme, beats, and story-telling. I’ve practiced those skills in my poetry. And I’ve loved the continued crafting of perfect lines [though I don’t think I’ve even gotten close]. And I think I’m learning a lot by editing closely, having a purpose for every word and order.

I’ve also been in-and-out of r/OCPoetry, and I want keep taking time to carefully consider other people’s work and offer some of my own for critique.

At the end of it all, I’m practicing, trying to find a voice. I don’t know if the voice is currently worth reading. But the practice is the first step.

I could do a hell of a lot more sharing/self-promotion. [I wonder if it’s an aversion to criticism or if it’s just lazy. Probably both.] I’d like to maybe take more opportunities to share. My work ought to be seen by someone and I would love the replies/eyes.

At this point, I’m satisfied knowing that I would never give up writing. I’m typing this as I lay, nearly passed out, on my bed in my dark room, trying to eek a couple words out before I have to go to sleep. Or my scribbling in the moments at work waiting for emails.

There’s plenty of practice and failures and cringe-y prose and even uglier poetry ahead, but I’m at least heartened that the journey itself is joyful, even if not every step is pleasant.