We are ferociously, aggressively insignificant. That’s what you learn. That the elements of exploded stars that made up your mother’s ovaries are just actual specks of nothing against the infinities of time, space, size, and power.
I mean just entertain the explosion of scale that can happen in any field of study. It’s easy with physics, not only are they describing the laws that govern our basic particles, those laws govern the celestial bodies so large and far away, it’s actually inconceivable to the human mind. A gamma ray explosion millions of light years away is bright that a nuclear bomb going off next to your eye ball. Brighter! Next to your eyeball!
History has endless pages of records to pour over. We learn about the World Wars, Colonialism, The Industrial Revolution, the birth of civilization and agriculture. But humans existed 200,000+ years before the advent of writing. What are those stories if not human history, abet history we can never read?
What about the languages that have died? Thousands of words for things English could never describe the same way. Poetry or scripture in expressions we couldn’t even understand much less translate. Entire human lives born, lived, and died.
And humans have been making art far longer than they’ve been writing words. From cave paintings to ancient jewelry, whittling to finger painting, to the nearly 100 billion photos we’ve taken in the last year. You think you’re special because you started a blog and post shitty poetry? Hello? Yes, every ansty teenager with a journal since 1651?
Math today works in infinities, solving questions to values we literally term too large to quantify. We’re puzzling prime numbers we can’t calculate by hand, dependent on computers to check our work.
Which reminds me, computer science is barely a couple decades old, and yet we could be on the verge of artificial intelligence! Though in terms of raw processing power, computers are laughably faster and more accurate than any conceivable collection of humans. And with the 2016 Nobel Prize winning work in physics, quantum computing could unlock a spectrum of potential in our ignorance.
What I’m getting at is you can’t rationalize individualism as important from an un-bias perspective. The things around us, man-made or naturally occurring, are just too big. We’re insects. We’re specks of dust.
We couldn’t learn it all with none of the time to try about things we couldn’t understand anyway.
This is nihilism at its finest. Everything is nothing because you are specifically nothing to no one.
Congrats you’ve swallowed the blue pill. I hear it tastes like numbed despair. And lichenberry.
Hold on, if I’m losing you or if this is depressing/sobering, just give me a minute. The prestige is…at least break even.
Look nothing we have as human constructs or social norms or individual values has any absolute value against the unfeeling infinity of everything.
But then guess what, you’re the only thing that matters. You, everyone you love, everything you like or do, that matters and it matters to the only person that should matter, you.
It’s why children can have imaginary friends, or Wall-E could make me sob openly, or that I can name a pencil Steve and when I snap him in half, a part of you breaks [ask Ludwig. Put your soul in a track, dream lucid].
Nihilism isn’t destructive, it’s freeing. You are allowed to like, love, hate, be, do anything or anyone you want and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed. Doesn’t mean there aren’t sacrifices and work and difficulties and consequences. Doesn’t mean it will be well received. There are no promises here.
But if you’re out there and feel stuck or lost, pick up a book. Pick up whatever, kazoo or, traveling, or shitty Instagram selfies, or really good Instagram selfies.
Forget doing it well, or getting famous, or making “art”. Fuck it. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.
Infinity has a great way of leveling the field by out scaling the yardstick.
If you like doing the thing, do it. Not because it’s important. Not because it’s good. Because you want to.
Look. You matter, if you matter to yourself. And you definitely matter to the people who love you. Unfortunately, it’s absolutely futile against the ambivalent universe and its laws. Fortunately, you don’t have to give a fuck.
That’s the zen moment for me. That’s when I can flip from joyful to flippant to forgotten over small transgressions. Why I love climbing trees or take the time to sketch gourds on a rainy Sunday. Why I wake up to get to work, even when part of my hates the work, yet smiles genuinely at every colleague. It why I love dogs and babies, because they are in true balance with the universe and themselves.
It’s why I keep writing things no one reads, frantically pushing myself to churn out words; waxing poetic on reiterative questions. I like this, I like my answers and I don’t give a damn if anyone else cares. [JK, please read this. Please comment. I value your opinions, and I’m desperate for feedback.]
I’m sorry. I really am. Like, I’ve got such a huge ego and inflated opinion of myself but I even I have to admit to myself that it is untenable to imagine myself as anything more than mortal. It’s crushing sometimes, to reconcile that absolution with my ambition. But I also take heart. We have miles to go before we sleep. I’m humping all of my baggage and lazy tendencies and poor attitude. But I’ve got a stubborn streak like no other, and I’m building good habits. If you give me the chance, I’ll out distance y’all on a scale you’d actually notice. So, watch me if you want, I’m watching the throne and I’m betting on myself.
I suggest not giving me a head start, but I’ll take every millimeter.