I was graciously invited by Nick Pollifrone of the TypedOut podcast to discuss toxic masculinity.
I really like the discussion we had. One strong suit was that we were quite balanced. We openly praise masculinity. Markus Zusak describes it as competence, and I agree. This divine Masculinity energy is dependable in all circumstances. It’s unwavering, a Polaris on which you can drive towards, hold on to, and will not give up.
We celebrated strong masculinity; things like lifting or physical fitness, being handy or capable, standing up for what you believe in by holding fast to your beliefs, taking control of your surroundings and using that power to help people around you.
And for many people, based on culture, experiences, mentors and role models, those things are generally gendered as “man”. Physically strong. Tough. The breadwinner.
That’s fine! You get to define your personal masculinity as you want! That’s freedom.
But it becomes toxic when those traits limit you. When it negatively affects those in your life. When you’re insulting or attacking people who aren’t like you. When you put blame on others for your own mistakes or shortcomings.
See when fear seems to direct your personality or interests, it’s not secure, it’s not masculine.
Pink shouldn’t threaten you.
Housework shouldn’t make you cringe. Neither should baby Bjorn’s.
Putting on makeup, trying on clothes, dancing, dolls, baking bread, arranging flowers, watercolors, drag. Who cares!
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As for my own personal growth. I was always an emotional person, and I’m pretty well in-tune with my feminine side, almost to a fault. I’m a strong water affinity, even as a Leo, I’m a fire sign. What I’d like to do is not only find more acceptance in my femininity, but also find ways to practice better healthy masculinity. This applies more to my dealings with the opposite sex, as that were my insecurity comes to a head [or not. Ha!] by providing some stronger security and confidence in self and in others. Particularly positionally, and without needing to talk.
I’m still trying to find out when/how to treat a woman like a woman. And that nuance is a bit more broadly applicable and gently applied than I thought. I’m figuring it out, but I’m not quite quick on the uptake or subtle enough to be excellent. [It’s also a tough place to make mistakes, even as mistakes are how one learns!]
Otherwise, I’ve always been reasonably balanced and well intentioned. I’m learning better self-awareness. I’m not yet exactly sure what I want to grow to become. But I’m pretty good at making goals and challenges to reach more broad interests and greater heights. Those things are rarely if ever held back by gender norms or standards, though I’m still a product of my society.
I’m always working on leaning into the magic, believing in myself, and finding my way with joy and love. I’m in to lift all boats. I’m in to be the tide on a full moon. I’m in to be a tsunami, the unrelenting force that drives us forward. As a family. As a country. As a multi-planetary species. [hopefully]
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Penultimate point. I want to touch on the diversity aspect. I think we so often fall into habits of tribalism, because it’s so much easier to make a narrative with an Other or an Enemy. That was apparent even on my facebook post about the podcast. Its title is “Man Under Attack”. One friend commented that it better be about how men are under attack. Another replied with enough question marks to suggest incredulousness at the absurdity. [They’re both white, which is why I’m still on the #cancelwhitepeople2019 train. See this thread for underlying philosophy. All hail Mao Zedong and the Council of Hollywood Chris’]
But the funny irony is that we aren’t attacking or defending men. At the real end of the podcast, we’re about inclusion and strength. We want to build better communities. Be better people. And I think it’s indisputable that adding more voices that come from a broad range of experiences, improves the capability and knowledge of a collective. It’s actively fighting tribalism by using rational thought, to implicitly value different inputs from different people. That’s the ideal.
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Finally, I want to shout out that little black girl on the Intrepid during the tour session of the Enterprise exhibit. Thank you for being the best example of healthy masculinity, by making your voice heard, asking questions that were important to you, and teaching all of us about contributions by women to the space age. Thank you. Rock on!
Cheers everyone. I hope you had a chance to listen to Typed Out, read his blog work at typeout.co and join in the open mic event January 24th at 8pm in DSK Bar in Brooklyn. I’ll be reading some work there.
Let me know what you think about the podcast!
Shout Out Shaq Dunbar @TheOptimistDreamer for the headshot!