I’m starting a new hashtag for 2019. #CancelWhitePeople2019
Look I love white people, that’s no lie. Check the last post, I’m about as Twinkie as they come. I’m a fucking racial turncoat at this point, between the friend circle and dating pool. [ISO: Cute nerdy red head with a penchant for cooking, raves, anime, books, and working out.]
And for generations, white has been right. Guns, germs, and steel; history [and luck] has given the Europeans the technological and biological edge, and they used it to conquer the world.
But for all the empire building, culture stealing, food importing; the worst part is white people still don’t even know anything!
They can’t jump. They can’t squat down. They’ve got horrendous sense of rhythm and worse sense of fashion.
They can’t eat spice. They turn their nose at fermentation or funk. They don’t eat fish. They don’t eat dark meat!!! [Angry reacts only]
They’re boring. They don’t speak multiple languages. They have horrible music taste.
They never ask about pronouns, they’re casually unaware of the systemic racism but still feel like they can joke about black people. They fumble over prying questions of your ethnicity, as if I give a shit where in China your daughter went for 3 weeks Mr. where-are-you-from?-no-where-are-your-parents-from.
White people are not self-aware of their privilege, anachronistic, selfish, lazy, judgmental, and uncultured.
White people fucked up history. The Opium War, The East India Trading Company, Manifest Destiny, the freaking Crusades.
White people are criminals as they commit infractions at a higher rate than immigrants. [Cato Institute]
White people are terrorists. The Las Vegas Shooting. Parkland. Sandy Hook. The Wisconsin Sikh Shooting, Aurora Movie Theatre, Charleston Church. That 27 year old threatening to kill all girls because he was a virgin.
White men. White women. Over the age of 70. Voted for Trump in staggering numbers and therefore are distinctly responsible for this dumpster fire of an administration and the fugly man-baby president. Specifically, remember 70% of white women voted FOR TRUMP, betting on their racial privilege on the guy that bragged about grabbing pussies and walking into Miss America changing rooms. And consciously against another white woman who smashes glass ceilings. [S/O Black women for doing the fucking work.]
The fucking nerve.
Look. It’s fine. Everyone chill.
I’m being dramatic.
Like all subsets of whatever; gender, sexuality, race, class, there’s good elements and bad elements and they’re not black and white. Those nuances and contradictions exist within individual people too. White people are fine, about as much of any of us here. And all of your cultures suck, because human nature is to be tribalistic and none of us have transcended anything yet. You could feasibly level any of these complaints against any group of people and make a tangible argument.
But in the tone of 2018 call-out culture, let’s start giving them shit. White people have had 400 years in the spotlight, it’s time to start beating them down.
Introducing: #cancelwhitepeople2019.
Mumble this as the lady demands a manager for her 12 expired coupons while an entire line is waiting.
Reply off handily as a whitey thinks it’s appropriate to yell about manners in the blatant public.
Anytime some “radical punk revolutionary” shakes flyers at you spouting about the evils of capitalism when his mom pays the cellphone bill.
When the “Bossman” dismissive of some “others” opinion and swaggers around like he owns the plantation.
When that kid in the pink polo and boat shoes interrupts the professor to opine his opinion on black trans-feminism.
When they butcher your names, and then give you a nickname, not even an attempt to curtail their thoughtless tongue.
When they dance off beat, or take snaps of their Starbucks order, or do that “too cool” to be silly thing.
Most importantly, see how those around you react. There’s a lot of shit going on in America, and frankly, white people voting for Trump caused a lot of the recent issues [anyone finished their tax returns??]. If you can’t self-reflect and take it, if you get angry, if you feel offended, then you truly become the butt of the joke. But if you’re also laughing, then maybe you just get it.
Cancelwhitepeople2019. Because it’s a joke. But also, sort of a joke.