I don’t feel much more grown up at 27 than I did at 25, or 26.
But I will say my body feels older. I can feel the days of walking in my feet, the aches in my back, my left shoulder blade creaks, my spine is a mess, the exhaustion in my head, the drinking hangover into the next day and the day after more often than not.
I’m, gratefully, still strong and flexible. I owe it to my coaches, especially Lori and Ariel for teaching me an extensive [but not exhaustive] list of exercises and work that I can use to continue being fit and able. The physical anatomy part is a nice bonus. But the main thing is how much I enjoy exercise. It sounds cliché but sweating is where my mental state is most balanced. I think I just turn off my brain, focus solely on the task at hand; the set, the pose, the lift, each step and mentally turn off everything else. The noise is finally quieted.
[Meaning my physical activity is healing my fucked up brain too.]
I’m heartily grateful for my health overall actually. For two whole weeks in China I was in pretty bad shape from a cold I didn’t take complete care of. As a result I had just awful days. I won’t want those for anyone
So I’m appreciative every day I can wake up and continue my adventure, carrying my pack for hours to go the distance.
That’s where I find myself at 27. In transit on the last day of 26, a new city in the morning.
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I haven’t stopped making mistakes.
My phone is lost, possibly pickpocketed. I’m inconsiderate to my family and the people closest to me. I recently hurt two relationships, one of them my own. I continue to be lost and wandering; unprepared for the silliest of things and stumbling into most of my ideas.
I’m stupidly chasing multiple pipe dreams, without having a single ounce of my own talent added to the equation; having thrown away the wonderous opportunities that I was blessed to receive.
I’m running out of money; faster than I want to think about, without a single source of revenue.
Yet. My life is fully wonderful.
Regardless of the day’s mindset; I stumble out the door into new cities, filled with adventure and promise. I can still smile warmly at strangers; across cultures and countries. The free time that allows me the joy of each moment. Time is fleeting. To think how little we have. How much of it we give away to other people for money or affection or whatever.
These moments are infinite in themselves, to even have them.
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I am, more or less, the same person I was at 26.
I’m less secure tho. I’ve run into the great unknown and nothing’s caught me yet. I’m still in the freefall. I see the floor coming up fast. It’s still too early to pull the chute and I ought to be focused on the frightening freedom of flying, but I can’t help it; I’m distracted by the incoming ground.
I don’t know what comes of this year. It continues to promise lots of potential but not much for future value. Still. All about it. Running around for it. I’m on a train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai. I’m hoping to get more writing done. Find some yoga classes. Smoke. Pray.
But once again, I need to pray to myself. If I want to be successful, it is on my own merits.
I am thankful I am learning. My own two feet can take my quite far. My own smile can get me many friends. I’m not as kind to those close to me as to strangers; and I need to deepen the value I put into the people that I call my family.
Life is filled with contradictions. You must do you best for yourself. For your people.
I’m vaguely growing up. Even if it comes with growing pains. For me and the people who care about me.
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I believe in the idea of God. Or that there is something greater than me, greater than all humans can comprehend. Everytime I find that god; be in temples or shrines, ringing prayer bells, or simply permission to pet a kitty. And everytime; I pray for you friends. [My analytics mostly come in as a count; so I don’t know who exactly you are; but if you’re reading likely you’re double dipping in my prayers, mai friends.]
I pray for you. I am grateful and thankful to be exactly where I am.
Even if I’m still so lost. [By my own hand of course. I choose the lost.]
Much love. Thank you for the Birthday Wishes.
Winston
