The Whole Pai

Why go to Pai?

Well, this is a hard one. I mean. It’s easy. You should absolutely, without a doubt, go to Pai. Spend a night. Spend a week. Spend two years. Spend two decades. You literally could not go wrong.

As for why. Well that’s more complicated.

What images does the word hippie conjure up? For many, it’s dirty dreads and stinky bodies. It’s as if the no shirt, no shoes policy is reversed.

That is….
Well….

True.

Every 13th person might be a true-to-form hippie. You’ll see more dreads than you can shake a stick at. And less shoes that you can ignore. Braided strings and rocks can be traded for joint tokes or whatever else. I would recommend protection. And a shower.

Maybe it’s the drugs. Maybe it’s the ease of being able to disregard human norms of hygiene. Maybe it’s what happens when you’ve lost all sense of ego and have disassociated from this cursed mortal plane.

But hippies are happy, man. They’re just joyously, uproariously, unabashedly, jump-and-do-a-cartwheel happy. [Hi Dusty! Hi Talon! Miss you!]

And, like other things, happiness is infectious.

This, in combination with gorgeous culture, lush jungles filled with impressive waterfalls, natural hot springs, view-points, treks, temples, rice paddies and mountain ranges.

And most importantly. The food.

Food is always a celebration. Thai people are happy to share their culture with snacks and meals and tastings. Being hungry is a personal insult to any Thai friend/host; and they will gladly salivate over the multitude of choices. Some, are familiar to the Western palate. Pad Thai, Pad See Yew, Spring rolls. Sushi. Hot Pot. Bubble Tea.

Some are not, Khao Soy, Rice stuffed sausage, Tea Leaf Salad, Bamboo shoots stuff with pork and deep fried, Liver in lime, chilies, and onion, Tom Yom, Pork stewed in Thai Basil and Lemon grass, and of course chili peppers.

Wait did I mention the Barbeques? Whole hog roasts over coals, dripping with fat. Carved and given away generously at any excuse for celebration.

Buffet 55 is a must stop on the way to the Sai Ngam Hot Springs, is a full buffet, literal farm to table on the roadside for 55 baht. 55 baht is about a dollar seventy five by-the-by. And the ladies will actually harvest the veg from the fields to cook it for you. Meanwhile, enjoy swimming in the river, or playing with the ducks or chickens or cats or dogs. The food is heavenly. I get 3 plates of the watercress.

Oh, oh! Or the Pai Pub that hosts a serious Sunday roast dinner with a Yorkshire pudding I would die for, and gravy that will live up to its namesake of sending me to an early cholesterol dug grave.

What about the vegan/vegetarian scene. Very traditional in Thailand, with their Buddhism as the national religion. Every Thai place will understand requesting the dietary constriction. But so have the faranges brought their own spin. Observe the French/Thai flavors of Friendship Concept. From deep fried oyster mushrooms, to vegan steaks, to mountains of Chinese Kale and Morning Glory to scrumptious authentic Thai curries served with red coconut rice.

Shout out to also one of my favorite restaurant, Two Sisters. Owned by a Burma refugee, it’s a wonderful place next to Circus Hostel with an outstanding tea leaf salad. A combination of flavors and textures that make it irresistible to eat. Sweet, hot, and umami fish sauce and bird’s eye peppers. Crunchy fried chickpeas. Crispy and beautiful purple lettuce. Tangy preserved tea leaves. I ordered it three times in my stay.

Wait. Wait. But here’s a real secret. If she’s got the stuff in stock. No the real stuff. She has the connect. Snare makes a chef’s ramen that I am stricken by. Two months in Japan, all over the country and I’ve never had a ramen quite like that. “Dry” in a special sauce, topped with nori, a Thai “chatshu”, chicken, and a nice dollop of nose candy: real ground wasabi root.

Seriously. I’m hungry writing this. Damnit. I miss Pai writing this. Day dreaming about it. Puzzling the imaginary ways I could fly back and spend who the fuck cares how long, doing nothing and everything at once.

What else should you do in Pai? Well, it’s a tourist checkbox to get a shroom shake. Paradise is the place. Their fire shows [Sunday and Thursday during rainy season and every night during high season] are a wonderous circus spectacle. And the Open Mic before and after is filled with love and talent. The Medicine Circus is outstanding to watch and I cannot recommend it enough.

There’s another smaller open mic at Art in Chai on Thursdays at 7pm. It showcases a little parade of what makes Pai special. Unique talents come to impress and astonish and throw you off kilter. It’s an experience and it’s definitely worthwhile. The Chai is also very good, made by my friend Otto.

But there’s a little not-so-secret. And of all of my recommendations, if you do not make this one; you have not seen real Pai. Go to Valhalla.

What’s Valhalla?

It’s where Norse Gods go to die. That’s all I’ll say about that.

-

What else? I mean. All the waterfalls are worth it in their own way and you can get right underneath all of them. The hot springs are fun as well. You pay tourist prices, but locals pay taxes so don’t feel cheated. There is an elephant sanctuary that does good work. The land split gave me Jurassic Park vibes. The White Buddha is a great view for some silent contemplation and meditation. The Canyons are a fun hike and view. I would bring real shoes to that one. The Chinese village view point is pretty spectacular, as are the view points along the road towards Mah Hon Song.

But the true benefit is that nearly all of these attractions are no more than 20 minutes away. Scootering along wonderous roads and views. That any hour you can get away, you might as well, and it is always worth it. Cheap chill thrills.

But at the very end of it; it comes back to the people. Pai is filled with wondrous humans. Locals, ex-pats, hippies, backpackers. They’re all the most friendly, welcoming people you could imagine. It’s truly a blessing to know any of them. It makes, just another town; unlike any other town.

Oh but before I make it sound like a complete fantasy. Let’s talk down sides.

Busy season is, obviously, busy. Prices are a touch higher. More backpackers slightly dilute the longer term population.

I went during the rainy season, which is off season. And that means rain. A lot of it. Nearly every day, it would rain for hours. Sometimes it would pour and thunder and shake. Sometimes it would drizzle a pleasant fog.

Of course, days were sunny and warm too. But the rains would dictate your movements, or lack thereof.

It would be annoying; especially if you only have a few days; to have a day taken by sudden downpour. And it is 0 fun driving an exposed scooter in the mountainous roads. Well. A little fun. But not a lot.

But, when you have days to spare; it’s just as sweet to spend a few hours simply playing pool, or smoking weed, or napping in a hammock. Truly not a care in the world, for you and all your compatriots.

In Pai, every cloud has a silver lining.

Except the mosquitoes. Fuck mosquitoes.

The rice paddies mean there is no shortage of rice.

And no shortages of those goddamned bloodsuckers.

Get a mosquito net and some spray. There’s no upside to this one, folks. Those things suck. That’s a pun, but it’s not a joke. Kill. Kill. Kill. No mercy.

Those are the tiniest complaints to a little slice of heaven nestled into the Northern Thai Jungles. I found a home. A wondrous forever place. I will be back in Pai. I will be there long term. I have scarcely found a place like it and I can’t wait to get back.